Last year, between the two of us, we watched an average of 317 movies.
This year our goal is to top that by watching at least one a day.
And as an extra special torture, we've decided to write about all of them.

06 January 2008

Death Sentence, dir. James Wan (2007)

NIKKI says:
Sigh.

I said to Steve earlier in the day: This is how much I love Kevin Bacon: I'm watching a James Wan film. Wan and his partner Leigh Whannell are a disease; their Saw franchise has secured them comfy spots in Film Hell, and regular hell, too, if there's any justice in the world. My disdain for this pair of whores knows no bounds. Saw was a lame horror movie, but whatever -- lame horror movies abound. But three sequels in as many years? Can you ever have enough money, guys? Really?

Ugh, anyway. That's a whole other rant.

Death Sentence -- Kevin or no Kevin -- was shit. I've had a few hours to think about it, and, yep, it was terrible. I'm offended and appalled that this drivel has the words "based on a novel by Brian Garfield" in its opening credits. Which novel? Because this bears no resemblance whatsoever to Garfield's book of the same name. What So Ever. At best, it's remake of Death Wish II, if only because, like that movie, it shits all over every point Garfield ever tried to make in his books. There's no social value here, just excuses for shoot-outs and blood. And, spoiler alert, killing Kelly Preston was beyond stupid.

So we have a man pushed to the edge because gang members slaughtered his son in an initiation ritual -- he starts killing them back. But that's not good enough -- to really get mean, he needs to lose his wife and other son (almost), too. That's when he gets to head-shaving point, which any good movie watcher knows is the number one sign a character has gone over the edge. Ugh.

Kevin! Oh man. He tried to find the soul here, but he failed. He was always going to fail, because there's no evidence a soul was even lurking at the edges waiting to be found. The question here is not how far can we push a man before he turns into a killer, but how far can we push him (not just his son, but his WIFE too) until his killing becomes our sport? Paul Kersey's original murder-spree in Death Wish was horrible, to the point where the guy had to vomit in the bushes to rid himself of his own bile and disgust at what he was doing. He wanted to make a real change, and used his grief, however misguidedly, to do that. In this movie, it was just vicious violence as in retaliation for same.

And I say again, so Kevin kills them all and them the film is over: what does he do tomorrow? What has he really solved? The film breaks him so much, they forget he will actually LIVE at the end of it. But what has he got?

1.5 out of 5 because Kevin gave his all.


STEVE says:
Death Sentence bares only fleeting resemblance to the novel it's based on, and instead desperately wants to be a remake of the movie that the novel it's based on is a sequel to. (Follow that?) The story was adapted with the same degree of fidelity that Kubrick showed King's book when he made The Shining. "Big scary hotel, drunk guy, psychic kid - let's roll!" That's what Death Sentence feels like: it employed some of the elements of the original story, but only enough so that you'd be forgiven if you didn't recognize it. The same could be said about the recent Jodie Foster flick, The Brave One. While not "based on a book by Brian Garfield" (a book, not the book), Jodie's flick could just as easily fall into the Death Wish remake/sequel category - along with about a thousand other indistinguishable revenge fantasy flicks.

One thing you can say about Kevin Bacon: Even though he's made some questionable film choices (The Hollow Man, Trapped), he's always giving 100%. It's a shame to watch someone like that, acting the hell out of a part, when no one else involved seems to give much of a fuck one way or another.

1.5/5

Death Wish II, dir. Michael Winner (1982)

NIKKI says:
So much death today. I'm voting for all comedies next. We'll be watching a fair few movies this week, I predict, as I'm on holidays. Yay. Usually, it's squeeze a movie in before Nikki nods off! Now, we've got all day and all night. Three comedies tomorrow? Let's hope so.

Oooh. So, Death Wish II -- where to begin with the monster failure this turned out to be? The first movie (which we watched a few weeks back) ended with Paul Kersey headed to Chicago with a new job and a new life. The final moments of that movie inform us in no uncertain terms, that Paul will forever take a stand against the perpetrators of senseless crime. This movie, however, starts with Paul living and working in Los Angeles. He has a new girlfriend and his daughter is with him, still catatonic, but making progress. It appears he's no longer patrolling the streets, looking for bad guys to wipe out. He's a comfortable family man with a soon-to-be new wife. UNTIL ... get this ... baddies come into his home, rape his housekeeper and steal his daughter, who they then rape, who then runs out a high window and dies via fence spikes through the stomach (like the guy in The Condemned, only this time it wasn't funny).

So, what else can Paul do but pick up his weapons and head out again, avenging? This time, though, it's not random criminals he attacks (as in the first movie -- fighting the issue at large, rather than individual perpetrators), but the specific attackers. How he finds them night in and night out on the bustling LA streets (and always mid-crime) is one of this film's many problems. The biggest problem is that duplicate opening. Paul must be one unlucky fella that such an horrendous crime can happen to him practically beat for beat twice on two separate sides of the country. I can't understand why the writers thought Paul needed further reason to take out his frustrations on criminals than the murder of his wife and the mental disabling of his daughter. Now we have to kill the daughter to get Paul avenging again?

It was just cruel, and, really, altered Paul's motivation. As stated in Death Sentence the book (and sequel to Death Wish the book), Paul is about taking the law into his own hands, fighting the disease of crime itself. Individual perpetrators and their individual crimes and motives are not priorities to Paul. In the book, he is so caught up in his need to get rid of Chicago's bad elements that he starts forcing crimes to occur, getting his wallet out and counting his cash in bad neighbourhoods, for instance, all but exploiting the very social issues and concerns that apparently cause crime in the first place.

Movie Paul just takes his revenge on the people that raped and killed his daughter and housekeeper removing all Garfield's social commentary which makes Paul so compelling in the first place. I'm so annoyed at this film, I'm finding it hard to give it any stars at all.

1.5/5

STEVE says:
Three words: Waste Of Time. This movie tries to tell the story of Paul Kersey after Death Wish, but only manages to serve a re-hashed, dumbed-down version that film, while offering nothing new in the bargain.

The less said about this one, the better, actually. William Goldman said, "Sequels are whore's movies." And Death Wish II stands to prove it.

1.5/5

Death & Texas, dir. Kevin DiNovis (2004)

NIKKI says:
Neither of us could go past the idea of a mockumentary about the death penalty that posits: Will condemned killer Barefoot Bobby Briggs be allowed out of prison the day before his execution to play in the Mega-Bowl? And it stars Charles Durning, so we were in. Results were mixed. Good as its arguments were regarding the death penalty and the screwed American judicial system, the film itself (just over an hour-long) didn't really live its potential.

It's main issue was indecisiveness about whether or not it was serious or satirical. Mary Kay Place, for instance, was comedic as the mother of the convenience store clerk killed by Briggs. In fact, everything she says, pretty much, seems like it's meant to be funny. And she overplays the hell out of the kitschy Texan mom character. But Durning is usually ultra-serious when he discusses anti-death penalty arguments and the poor case against his client. So, I didn't really know what the movie wanted to me to feel. Of course, it's preaching to the converted in our house, so we nodded along with the Abolition Coalition people, while rightfully scoffing at the "burn him!" factions.

An interesting experiment, but it failed for me. Its death row inmate, Briggs (played by Steve Harris), was likable, so were the lawyers, Briggs' family, and even Briggs' co-conspirator who all but admits he planned the whole thing and Briggs was an unwilling accomplice. So, I'm not challenged. I'm not forced to confront my beliefs in any way. It was too easy, I guess. And because of that lack, the satire (if that's indeed what Place and the Mega-Bowl were) fell very flat.

2/5

STEVE says:
Yeah, this one just didn't do it for me. I know not all mockumentaries are comedies - witness Interview with the Assassin and Death of a President - but the IMDb has Death & Texas clearly listed as a comedy, and I just didn't see it.

The "will-he-or-won't-he-play" Mega-bowl subplot was not very well thought out, I have to say. Why in the name of all that is holy was "Barefoot" Bobby Briggs let out of prison - and not just prison-prison, but death row - to play football? Is there a work-release program there that no one's heard about? This was glossed over very early on, explained away in mock legalese, so that we could get to the good stuff - which wasn't that good in the end anyway.

The satirical element here (at least as I saw it) was in taking the two things Texans love most - football and killin' - and putting them head-to-head, see which comes out on top. But even the ending was a cop-out because you know Bobby's going to play in the game, just as you know, win or lose, he's going to be put to death the next day. It's win-win for Texas.

I'm will concede that maybe I missed the point. If anyone wants to explain it to me, I'm willing to listen. But for now, Death & Texas gets 2 out of 5.

The Condemned, dir. Scott Wiper (2007)

NIKKI says:
I lost a bet. Why else would I spent my first day off in two weeks watching a Stone Cold Steve Austin movie produced by the WWE? I wasn't looking forward to it, but I felt compelled to get it done. At least, I thought, I can paint while it's on. Or clean up. Or sleep. Five minutes in, though, and I was glued. A reality TV producer throwing hardened prisoners on an island to fight to the death? It has entertainment written all over it.

I think the movie works because it's so well-made. I feared ultra-cheese, I feared bad direction, bad acting, unrealistic fight scenes. Instead, it was quite well done. The Queensland tropics substituted well for a remote island in latitude seven-something, the actors were reasonable (I didn't even notice the fake-accented Aussie actors until I spotted a Neighbours star as an FBI agent), the fight-scenes looked good, and the overall mood was seriously tense. I found myself rooting quite enthusiastically for Stone Cold (who is a really render actor, believe it or not) to beat the bad guys and find his way back to his lonely wife, Sarah. Even if he does look life a beast man from another planet who only dates Amazon women from the moon.

With all its pleasures, the film, not all that surprisingly, had its faults. The ego-maniacal TV producer was just a little bit too evil, and his film crew proved themselves a bit stupid when, after the torture of a female contestant, some of them have a change of heart about the whole experiment. The torture (by scary Vinnie Jones) was gruesome and harsh, but what part of "throwing prisoners on to an island to fight to the death" did these people not think would be harsh? They cheered when the first guy exploded -- why was that okay?

So, that annoyed me a bit. Plus, even though the island is remote and everything, the producer guy would so be arrested as soon as he re-entered the United States. Surely. So, it was a tad unbelievable and its emotions were a bit skitty, but, overall, I had fun.

Three great moments in The Condemned:
1. Helicopter swoops badly and one of the first contestants tossed onto the island lands back-first on a spiked fence. One down...
2. Vinnie Jones and the Kung-Fu guy, who have teamed up all through the film to get rid of their competition, finally eradicate Stone Cold to realise ... they are the last two left. The three-seconds it takes for both to come to this realisation is great.
3. Stone Cold blows up the producer. Very cool.

My next lost-bet movie? An American Pie: Beta House / Bratz Movie double-feature. I can't wait.

2.5/5

Steve did not view.