The Dead Hate the Living

Director: Dave Parker
Writer: Dave Parker
Released: 2000
Cast: Eric Clawson, Jamie Donahue, Brett Beardslee, Wendy Speake, Benjamin P. Morris, Matt Stephens

Vacancy 2: The First Cut

Director: Eric Bross
Writer: Mark L. Smith
Released: 2009
Cast: Agnes Bruckner, David Moscow, Scott G. Anderson, Arjay Smith, Trevor Wright, Beau Billingslea

STEVE says: Yeah, that's not a typo or anything. The IMDb has this movie listed with a January 2009 release date. We watched a screener. Which is cool because now I can honestly say I've seen the future of horror.

And it's bo-ring!

Within the first 20 minutes we're introduced to the two yahoos who run the Meadow View Motel, and learn that they're selling videotaped exploits of the young couples who've stayed at their fair establishment. No great shock there, as we already know the place is wired - having seen the first film. But when a decidedly suspicious looking "Mr. Smith" checks in with a young woman, and these yahoos watch as he first spreads a sheet of plastic over the bed, then proceeds to mount said young woman from behind and stab her in the back 20, 30 times... yeah, no real surprise there, either - having seen the first film!

The rest is no better. It's murder-by-numbers with the odd chase scene thrown in for good measure. Or, you know, to pad it out to its scant 86 minute running time.

And look, I'm just throwing this out, okay? For any direct-to-video prequels that may be in production at the moment: Don't use a number in the title. Don't use a number in the title especially if you're using a sub-title that refers to your movie being a prequel. It constitutes a supreme incongruity. That's the same sort of paradox thing that almost got Marty McFly killed.

1/5

Shrooms

Director: Paddy Breathnach
Writer: Pearse Elliott
Released: 2006
Cast: Lindsey Haun, Jack Huston, Max Kasch, Maya Hazen, Alice Greczyn, Robert Hoffman

NIKKI says:
You know for a brief moment I forgot horro movies could be so shockingly awful. This one got points from me for doing something a tiny bit different with the whole horror visions and magic mushrooms premise. But the people behind this one don't know what scary means. And so they fucked it all up. The guys here come from that black pus looking like blood school of horror -- the more black pus we can squeeze into out movie, the more terrifying it will be!

Sorry guys -- we also need atmosphere and tension and, here's a thought -- A STORY. A story, of course, that's not semi-cribbed from every horror film in the land that features religious cults and orphanages.

Nope, I could barely stay awake this was so effing boring. Lame! (Although the poster is mildly rad.)

1/5

Night of Dark Shadows

Director: Dan Curtis
Writer: Sam Hall
Released: 1971
Cast: David Selby, Kate Jackson, Grayson Hall, Lara Parker, John Karlen, Nancy Barrett, Thayer David

The Orphanage

Director: Juan Antonio Bayona
Writer: Sergio G. Sánchez
Released: 2007
Cast: Belén Rueda, Fernando Cayo, Roger Príncep, Geraldine Chaplin

Monster Man

Director: Michael Davis
Writer: Michael Davis
Released: 2003
Cast: Eric Jungmann, Justin Urich, Aimee Brooks, Michael Bailey Smith

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me

Director: David Lynch
Writers: David Lynch, Robert Engels
Released: 1992
Cast: Sheryl Lee, Ray Wise, Moira Kelly, Dana Ashbrook, James Marshall, Chris Isaak, Kyle MacLachlan

My Name is Bruce

Director: Bruce Campbell
Writer: Mark Verheiden
Released: 2007
Cast: Bruce Campbell, Grace Thorsen, Taylor Sharpe, Ted Raimi

STEVE says: Bruce Campbell's My Name is Bruce was not all that I'd hoped it would be, but it was pretty much exactly what I'd expected. And that's kinda sad because, while I was hoping for something Damn Good to Excellent, my expectations hovered around Average to Good.

Campbell is playing "himself" here, kidnapped by a young fan and taken to the small town of Gold Lick, Oregon (population 339 and dwindling), where he is coerced by the townsfolk into defending them from the Chinese demon, Guan-Di, accidentally unleashed by a bunch of unwitting teens. It's a spin on The Three Amigos! and Galaxy Quest, where it's assumed that, because someone fights evil in the movies, one can do the same in real life - and it's fun. Add to the mix Campbell taking the piss out of himself and his B-movie status, and you've got what should be a solid B-movie in its own right.

So what went wrong?

Too Many Fanboy References, for one thing. This movie was clearly "one for the fans", but that shouldn't mean it alienates those who perhaps aren't as conversant with Campbell's career. The kid who kidnaps him, Jeff, is a Bruce Campbell fanatic: His room is wall-to-wall with posters from Campbell's movies, promotional items for his book, action figures, and even a mannequin wearing Brisco County's gear; his wardrobe consists of Evil Dead and Bubba Ho-Tep t-shirts; and his vocabulary is made up of hero lines from Campbell's movies. Nice, but there's no indication that Jeff is even aware of anyone else involved in the horror genre. True fanboys will delight in seeing Dan Hicks and Timothy Patrick Quill reference their characters from Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness, respectively, but for those who don't recognize them, the dialog is pointless, and the joke falls flat. It seems that Campbell - and moreover, screenwriter Mark Verheiden - have ignored the wider audience, making the movie for a select group of cult followers.

It didn't help that the version of "himself" that Campbell decided to portray goes contrary to what fans already know about him. When William Shatner played "Bill" in Free Enterprise, for example, he was taking on a persona that at first amplified the stereotype he's associated with (tough guy, anti-fan, woman-magnet), and then broke that stereotype down in the end. He was playing with a perceived image, and whether that image had any corelation to his actual personality is neither here nor there. Campbell plays himself as kind of mean-spirited dick - big-noting in front of fans, chastising cast and crew, yet lonely and pathetic when he's at home - but his accessibility at conventions and screenings across the country has allowed fans a familiarity beyond mere perception, so that when he gets obnoxious or makes a wise-crack at a fan, it's never seen as anything but good-natured. Choosing to play himself as an asshole when he's known to be the opposite only distances us from the character.

Verheiden will have to take a lot of the blame for this. His script leaves a lot of room for Campbell to mug for the camera, sass the locals (thankfully leaving his Stooges schtick behind), and try to woo Jeff's mom, but offers little in the way of suspense, character or plot development. Instead, Guin-Di shows up randomly to decapitate some locals, Bruce and Kelly hate each other for five minutes, then fall in love, and the audience is filled in on back story by way of a country song by the mayor and the sheriff. I kid you not.

Which is not to say that the movie sucked. I liked it. I had fun with it. Largely because Campbell had fun with it. He knows he's not an A-list star, and he embraces that fact. With My Name is Bruce, he's making fun of himself, and thanking his legions of fans at the same time. I only wish he'd taken it seriously, rather than played it for a joke.

3/5

Funny Games

Director: Michael Haneke
Writer: Michael Haneke
Released: 2007
Cast: Naomi Watts, Tim Roth, Michael Pitt, Brady Corbet, Devon Gearhart

Black Water

Directors: David Nerlich, Andrew Traucki
Writers: David Nerlich, Andrew Traucki
Released: 2007
Cast: Diana Glenn, Maeve Dermody, Andy Rodereda, Ben Oxenbould, Fiona Press

The X-Files: I Want to Believe

Director: Chris Carter
Writers: Chris Carter, Frank Spotnitz
Released: 2008
Cast: David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Amanda Peet, Billy Connolly, Alvin "Xzibit" Joiner, Callum Keith Rennie

The Signal

Directors: David Bruckner, Dan Bush, Jacob Gentry
Writers: David Bruckner, Dan Bush, Jacob Gentry
Released: 2007
Cast: Anessa Ramsey, Justin Welborn, AJ Bowen, Scott Poythress, Sahr Ngaujah

The Hills Have Eyes

Director: Wes Craven
Writer: Wes Craven
Released: 1977
Cast: Susan Lanier, Robert Houston, Martin Speer, Dee Wallace, Russ Grieve, John Steadman, Michael Berryman, Virginia Vincent, James Whitworth, Lance Gordon, Janus Blythe, Cordy Clark, Arthur King, Flora and Striker

Dead Set

Director: Yann Demange
Writer: Charlie Brooker
Released: 2008
Cast: Jaime Winstone, Andy Nyman, Liz May Brice, Warren Brown, Kevin Eldon, Adam Deacon, Riz Ahmed, Kathleen McDermott, Davina McCall





[Okay, so it's not a movie, it's a mini-series. We're counting it anyway because we watched it all in one sitting. And at 2hrs 18 minutes, it's longer than most movies we watch, anyway.]

The Shining

Director: Stanley Kubrick
Writers: Stanley Kubruck, Diane Johnson
Released: 1980
Cast: Jack Nicholson, Shelley Duvall, Scatman Crothers, Danny Lloyd

STEVE says: The Shining is a movie I'm not overly fond of, but keep coming back to again and again just to see if I can find something - anything - I like about it.

No luck so far.

And I don't care how great you think Nicholson is, this movie Sucks Out Loud.

But let me tell you why.

King's book was about a haunted man. Jack Torrence is haunted by the student he attacked in Stovington, his careless abuse of his son, his own alcoholic father, his failure as a husband to properly provide for his family, etc. Kubrick decided that none of this was important and just went for the haunted hotel angle. Whereas the book was about the characters and their motivations, Kubrick's movie was about Nicholson going mad.

It's one thing to change a story when adaptation to a new medium demands it; it's another to completely dispense with character development and plot because you want to tell a different story. If you want to tell a different story, Tell A Different Story, don't fuck up a perfectly viable one because you don't understand it.

Kubrick jumped over the character and plot development with the "one month later" title card after Jack and his family arrive at the Overlook. This is important stuff! It's where Jack starts losing it - how can you skip over that?

I know Kubrick was a genius. There's a lot of his stuff I didn't like when I was younger, and I'm perfectly willing now to accept the fact that it was me; I didn't get it. But The Shining is just not good at all. Apart from the lack of character development, there's the Scatman Crothers thing: As a plot device, he's there to give us info on Danny's abilities, which is fine. And at the end, his return to the Overlook acts as a device to pull Jack away from the bathroom door and let Wendy escape. Fine, again. Killing him, however, serves no purpose whatsoever! If you're just going to kill him, Wendy may as well have been able to squeeze through the window after Danny. The thing with the woman in room 237 is the definition of anti-climax. When Danny goes into the room, we never see what he sees. When Jack goes in, he finds a woman who turns into a rotting corpse (after he starts making out with her, which begs some explanation), then comes back and tells Wendy he didn't see a thing. It's so much more effective if we see what Danny sees, and then Jack goes up because we know what's waiting there - whether he actually sees it or not. As, by the way, it was done in the book.

Bottom line is, the guy didn't believe in the material and it shows - but that doesn't stop the idolatry. The poster at the top there isn't from the movie; it's from a Shining convention held in Timberline, Oregon this past Halloween. There's even been an art show dedicated to the movie.


Click the creepy girls to check it out. Even I have to admit, it's kind of cool - even if the movie leaves me cold.

1/5

Fallen

Director: Gregory Hoblit
Writer: Nicholas Kazan
Released: 1998
Cast: Denzel Washington, John Goodman, Donald Sutherland, Embeth Davidtz, James Gandolfini, Elias Koteas

Headspace

Director: Andrew van den Houten
Writer: Steve Klausner, William M. Miller
Released: 2005
Cast: Christopher Denham, William Atherton, Olivia Hussey, Dee Wallace, Sean Young, Udo Kier

Timber Falls

Director: Tony Giglio
Writer: Dan Kay
Released: 2008
Cast: Brianna Brown, Josh Randall, Nick Searcy, Beth Broderick, Sacha Rosemann

Stir of Echoes: The Homecoming

Director: Ernie Barbarash
Writer: Ernie Barbarash
Released: 2007
Cast: Rob Lowe, Marnie McPhail, Ben Lewis, Tatiana Maslany, Shawn Roberts, Vik Sahay

Night of the Living Dead

Director: George A. Romero
Writers: John A. Russo, George A. Romero
Released: 1968
Cast: Duane Jones, Judith O'Dea, Karl Hardman, Marilyn Eastman, Keith Wayne, Judith Ridley, Kyra Schon, Russell Streiner, Bill Hinzman

NIKKI says:
Moonlight movie on Halloween. It was very cool. And the darkness and the wind only added to the creepiness of the movie. I do have to say, though, I'm glad to see the back of horror month. I want some fun. I want some bright colours. I need to laugh.

What can you say about Night of the Living Dead? It sets the bar. It's still the best zombie movie of all time, still one of the smartest horror movies ever, and still fucking scary. I love it, and I enjoyed a lot the experience of watching it outside. Fulci, however, was "TOO SCARE" through the whole thing. Wind and zombies was too much!

5/5