Assassins

Director: Richard Donner
Writer: The Wachowski Brothers, Brian Helgeland
Released: 1995
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Antonio Banderas, Julianne Moore

Speed Racer

Directors: The Wachowski Brothers
Writers: The Wachowski Brothers
Released: 2008
Cast: Emile Hirsch, Christina Ricci, John Goodman, Susan Sarandon, Matthew Fox, Paulie Litt, Willy and Kenzie

STEVE says: It's been more than a decade since the rumours started flying about a live-action Speed Racer movie. Johnny Depp was rumoured to be playing Speed (that's how long ago this was) and I think Sherilyn Fenn might have been mentioned as Trixie, but it's possible that part was only in my head. (I have a large catalog of fantasies involving each individually, and it's quite possible that they've merged.) It was on and off for a while, and finally the Wachowski's picked up the ball and ran with it. It looked like my wait for a live-action Speed Racer movie was over.

Not so.

Turns out, this movie is really nothing more than a live-action cartoon. I don't think there was one scene that wasn't shot against a green screen, and that's disheartening. The movie itself can't be distinguished from a cartoon in that 98% of it was CGI.

With all the flashing lights, quick cuts and bright colours, the Speed Racer movie is the cinematic equivalent of an all-syrup Squishee. I'm just trying to decide whether that's a bad thing.

3/5

Doomsday

Director: Neil Marshall
Writer: Neil Marshall
Released: 2008
Cast: Rhona Mitra, Bob Hoskins, Sean Pertwee, Darren Morfitt, Adrian Lester, Craig Conway, MyAnna Buring, Lee-Anne Leibenberg

They Live

Director: John Carpenter
Writer: John Carpenter (as Frank Armitage)
Released: 1988
Cast: Roddy Piper, Keith David, Meg Foster, Peter Jason, George "Buck" Flower

NIKKI says:
I'm loving this week. This is the coolest movie. So, maybe John Carpenter forgot how to direct after this one? And write, too, apparently, because this is such a good story. Could it be before it's time? Or at least aware of its time. This one is all about the media keeping us asleep with mind-crushing advertising and blinding pretty pictures making unfulfillable promises.

Roddy Piper get s pair of shades that allow him to see through the advertising to the real, black and white world underneath. He's suddenly exposed to everything and must fight those crazy aliens keeping us all down. Someone once described Roddy's journey as a "battle of self-awareness", and I really like that desciption. It's something we all fight every day; the constant search for truth amid the bullshit. It's a great representation of that battle. I love it, even despite the ten minute fight scene. It's a ten-minute battle or self-awareness, Steve!! Get into it!!

4/5

Tropic Thunder

Director: Ben Stiller
Writers: Ben Stiller, Justin Theroux, Etan Cohen
Released: 2008
Cast: Ben Stiller, Robert Downey Jr, Jack Black, Jay Baruchel, Brandon T. Jackson, Nick Nolte

NIKKI says: So, who knew this was gonna be the most freakin' hilarious thing ever? Okay, so not EVER, but it was damn funny. I'm so over Ben Stiller, which made me shrug this one off as yet another vanity piece for the guy to go around yelling and making stupid faces. Consider -- he's really only got one classic in his comedy list and that's Zoolander. Everything else is just annoying. So, how is it that this works? Well, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that his character in this movie is very much like Derek Zoolander. A passionate innocent, with a huge ego and a small brain. Welcome back, Ben. I like you again.

So, this new Ben is on the set making a movie in the jungle with rebel drug makers trying to kill him which he thinks is fake movie magic but after certain bizarre circumstances becomes completely real. He fumbles his way through the whole thing as his friends and fellow actors try to save him. Jack Black plays a heroin addict on detox whose only claim to fame is fart-joke movies, and Robert Downey, Jnr plays an Australian actor so immersed in his character of a black man that he can't stop talking like Mr. T.

Their mission to get Ben and go home occurs as Ben's agent, Matthew McCaonaughey, tries to get Tivo to his client trapped in the jungle without entertainment. He has to battle the big studio boss, Tom Cruise, to make this happen. But Tom wants to let Ben die and claim the insurance and buy Matthew a plane. So, Matthew has a moral dilemma on his hands, and Tom Cruise dances around a lot like a sex-monkey FREAK.

It's so ridiculous, I could not stop laughing. Who thinks of these things? I did enjoy the parallels between actors on set and soldiers in the jungle. That was very clever, and the way the whole thing pulled together with Cruise as some crazy President-like guy sacrificing his actors for money -- it was good.

I can see us going back to it every year like we do with Zoolander. Maybe we can double-team the both of the them?

"A little twig-man Oscar. I 'm going to call you Half-Squat, and you can call me ... papa."

Half-squat.

3/5

Roadkill (aka Joy Ride)

Director: John Dahl
Writer: Clay Tarver, JJ Abrahms,
Released: 2001
Cast: Steve Zahn, Paul Walker, Leelee Sobieski, Ted Levine

STEVE says: Much like Session 9, I didn't expect much from this one and ended up thoroughly digging it. You'd think I'd learn a lesson.

Walker and Zahn play brothers, driving halfway across the country to pick the friend Sobieski up from college. Just for kicks, Zahn picks up a CB radio to kill time along the way, and ends up pranking a truck driver who goes by the handle Rusty Nail. And then the fun begins.

A mix of road movies like The Hitcher and Duel with some Hitchcock thrown in for good measure, Roadkill is better than my preconceived notions would have had me believe. But isn't that always the way?

3.5/5

NIKKI says: I really like this movie. And it's the kind of movie we should hate -- a derivative, rather tame horror film with super-sexy stars of the day. It's all shiny and glossy. It should be right up there with I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. But, somehow, it's not. It has traces of The Hitcher and Duel, and a little bit of I Saw What You Did, but it stands on its own as a decent modern suspense flick. It's a popcorn movie, absolutely, with some great scares, some fun, and a couple of surprisingly awesome performances from Paul Walker and Steve Zahn.

Actually, you know, that's one of the major draws for me about this movie -- I have a feeling Steve Zahn might have adlibbed all his lines. And it's hilarious. If he didn't adlib, then he definitely came up with his own line readings because everyhting is yelled or popped or screamed in places where it so shouldn't be. And it's so great to watch. There were times when Steve and I were sure Paul Walker wasn't acting but reacting to Zahn's bizarreness. It gives the thing an extra dimension having Zahn in there nstead of another pretty boy or a chick, or whatever else could have inserted easily in.

It loses me a bit at the end, when everything starts to come together -- it goes a bit over the top for me, but the lead up is sensational. I love it.

3/5

The Incredible Hulk

Director: Louis Leterrier
Writer: Zak Penn
Released: 2008
Cast: Edward Norton, Liv Tyler, Tim Roth, William Hurt, Tim Blake Nelson, Ty Burrell

Get Smart

Director: Peter Segal
Writers: Tom J. Astle, Matt Ember
Released: 2008
Cast: Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, Dwayne Johnson, Alan Arkin, Terence Stamp

Hell Ride, dir. Larry Bishop (2008)

Hancock, dir. Peter Berg (2008)

STEVE says:

I thought this was going to be a lot lighter than it turned out to be. The trailer would have had be believe that it was a comedy, but it was far from it in the end.

It's a tale of the Reluctant Hero - in this case, the Reluctant Superhero - who eventually embraces his role and ends up saving the day. Plenty of room for hilarious hijinx here, especially with Will Smith. I'm expecting something like Men in Black with a cape. But the humour was spent in Act 1, and it quickly became a tale of redemption and unrequited love between - apparently - gods. Not what I signed up for, but it still managed to grab my attention and hold on to it for the duration.

3/5

Superman: Doomsday, dir. Lauren Montgomery, Bruce Timm and Brandon Vietti (2007)

STEVE says:

Kevin Smith's whoredom knows no bounds. He shows up in this animated flick to deliver a single line, and hence finally have his name connected with a Superman title (credited as "Grumpy Man"), no matter how pointless.

Remember when Superman Returns came out, and Smith was all, "We don't need anymore Superman movies, Superman II was great, it should have ended there," and so on? Forgetting, apparently, or hoping that we'd forgotten, that'd he'd written a script called Superman Lives, which was rejected. If you listen to Smith, he'll tell you it was Jon Peters who fucked it up by insisting on some cuddly R2-D2 style character that could be marketed toward the kids, but I think it had more to do with trying to import characters from Clerks into the Superman universe: Governor Caitlin Bree, General Rick Derris... What a cock.

Anyway, his appearance notwithstanding (distracting though it was), Superman: Doomsday was pretty good. I'd never read the comic, so I can't make a comparison, which is probably just as well, but I did find it kind of violent for a Superman title. Maybe he's trying to compete with Batman these days.

3/5

Nikki did not view.

Vanishing Point, dir. Richard C. Sarafian (2001)

NIKKI says:

So, this is what Death Proof wanted to be? Maybe, something like that? All I remember is the girls in that movie talked about car in this movie like it was some kind of gift from the Gods. Oooh, the white car from that movie no one's heard of! We're so cool that we know that! Unless of course this movie is way more well known than I'm figuring it is. Quite possibly. Anyway, had Quentin modelled his pic a bit more on this pic, it might not sit at the very top of my Most Disappointing Movies of All Time list.

This was a bit like Easy Rider, in that I felt it was very much a comment on the times. Man on a mission through 1970s intolerance, hippie-dom, the techno-boom, the post-Kennedy police state, racism, fascism, sexism, all the good stuff. It's quite a good film, a slow and steady rumble through the jungle and I really found myself enthralled. I wanted the guy to get to San Francisco so damn badly because it meant I could get where I wanted to go too regardless of the roadblocks. But this is not that movie. Still, I'm very pleased to have discovered it.

Well played, Death Proof.

3.5/5

The Dark Knight, dir. Christopher Nolan (2008)

STEVE says:

I thought Tim Burton's Batman was dark. I mean, compared to Adam West's camp comedy and Joel Schumacher's neon-loaded glam-fests, of course it was. But Christopher Nolan's new movie makes Burton's look like a little girl.

Even compared to Nolan's own Batman Begins, The Dark Knight has upped the darkness quotient. It's got a whole different feel to it. More realistic. Like it's, for once, not a comic book movie, but a movie set in the real world, of which Batman happens to be a part. Like Heat with a superhero.

But nobody's talking about the production design, or how good Chicago looked doubling for Gotham. It's all the Joker. So let's get this out of the way.

Heath Ledger was good. Very good. Different from the Joker of days past - no César Romero, this guy, and definitely (let's be very clear about this) better than Nicholson's portrayal where he showed up and, basically, gave us Jack Nicholson in white-face. Ledger took the Joker to a whole new level of dark, playing him as an anarchist instead of insane. Deeply psychotic, still, but the anarchist thing was new. So, having said that, let me say this:

Wasn't he really just doing Christian Slater?

Everybody's talking about how he channelled Jack Nicholson, but I just don't see it. First of all, you put those two performances side-by-side, and Nicholson comes off as a try-hard, playing a thug with a grudge - which is all the script really allowed for him, to be fair. But I don't see any Nicholson in Ledger's performance. If anything, it's Slater he's channelling, from Heathers.In that movie, Slater's Jason Dean was a deeply psychotic anarchist who wanted to destroy the school and everyone in it just for the sake of doing it. Ledger's Joker really isn't that far removed. Sure, there were Slater/Nicholson comparisons when Heathers hit the screens, and they weren't inappropriate. But can we please, for the love of God, stop rolling out "Nicholson" every time someone does something brilliant in a movie, huh?

4/5

Fight Club, dir. David Fincher (1999)

STEVE says:

Conrad had never heard of Fight Club. Not "never seen" Fight Club, but had never even heard of it.

Some people's kids, I'll tell ya.

So we took care of that tonight and he went home suitably impressed.

I'm not sure the movie has the same impact it did for me when I first saw it, but I'm attributing that to the fact that this was the ninth time I'd viewed it since its release. It's lost its shine over the years, but never its ability to fascinate.

4/5

Nikki did not view.

The Killer Elite, dir. Sam Peckinpah (1975)

NIKKI says:
A few years ago, Steve and I went on this '70s movie kick where we caught up on all the classic '70s movies we'd either not seen or not seen in a really long time. We discovered some brilliant stuff. The Killer Elite would have fit that period perfectly, and may have have come out looking a bit better then -- with our minds and hearts drenched in '70s-ness -- than it did tonight.

I didn't dislike the film, but I felt it was a bit of a mess, unsure of exactly the story it was trying to tell. I don't know if it was a revenge film, an investigation into CIA off-shoot groups, or the story of a man getting back on his feet after intense physical rehabilitation. It may have been all of these things, but issues were raised and dropped throughout as the film moved from one almost-plot to the next.

The film opens on elite agents Caan and Duvall at a party. They go on their way to a stakeout point, and are the best of friends. We ascertained that either one was to die, or betray the other. Steve noted that as big names, death wasn't likely. And so one betrayed the other. Caan gets shot in the knee and the elbow and is left, in the movie's words, "a cripple".

So a great chuck of the movie is then spent on Caan's rehabilitation. There was very little conflict during these scenes. He simply took it like a man and did his stretches. I wonder to what end did we need to see this? Establishment that he was taking it like a man may have taken one scene and a montage. Here we got scenes after scene of hospital bed, walking up steps, walking over bridges, falling down in restaurants... But no outwards intensity seemed to build.

And then he's just back in action, and gets himself a job that will see him go head to head with Duvall. And then it all plays out just as you might expect -- shoot-shoot-chase-chase-someone-ends-up-dead. But to what end? What was my purpose here? To see Caan exact revenge? If so, it wasn't nearly as satisfying as I had hoped. Was it so gain a greater understanding of these off-shoot groups, as suggested by the written introduction to the film? Well, I didn't really gain much knowledge at all, expect that such groups exist and are rather corrupt.

This isn't to say the film wasn't entertaining. Peckinpah's direction was intense at times, and the actors were reliable. But, it didn't shoot fireworks off for me the way The Parallax View did, or The Conversation, or even Peckinpah's Straw Dogs. Feels like a miss to me.

2.5/5

Alien Resurrection, dir. Jean-Pierre Jeunet (1997)

STEVE says:
Couple weeks ago, Claudius and I watched Alien. He was impressed enough to borrow the box set, but only got to watch Aliens and Alien 3 before heading back to Melbourne. (Not one of those who'll borrow something and hang on to it for six years, Claude returned the set before going back.)

So tonight, searching for something to watch, we decided to finish up the Quadrilogy (having now officially replaced tetralogy as the word for a series of four).

I like Alien Resurrection. Sure, it's nowhere near as awesome as the original, but what is? And maybe it's not as good as Alien 3, but it sure beats the pants off Aliens, in my opinion. In truth, it's probably somewhere between those two in its action-to-creepiness ratio, but has the distinction of being a Jeunet film, which in this case makes all the difference. I'm talking, here, about the weird eroticism inherent in Act Three, specifically in the scene where Ripley is taken to the Alien hive, and later when she confronts the Alien-Baby. Jeunet, you wacky Frenchman!

(Note: Five years later, this same plot would be used, almost beat-for-beat, in Jason X. Like they just took the script and replaced all "Alien" references with "Jason". It takes balls for the tenth movie in a ridiculously popular horror franchise to rip off the fourth movie in another, and I salute them for it.)

3/5

Nikki did not view.

Already Dead, dir. Joe Otting (2007)

NIKKI says:
A nifty little thriller with an interesting premise. It's problem is that it feels like a low-budget TV thriller with its cheesy flashbacks to home videos, its plot-holes and predictability. The central idea, though, is good: that a company exists to alleviate the pain of grieving men by supplying them with criminals to torture and kill thus freeing them and society of bad people and bad feelings.

Obviously, it's not so cut and dried. Our hero here does not want to kill just any random criminal -- he wants the man that murdered his son. After torturing Til Schweiger for a short while, Ron Eldard realises (too long after we've already figured it out) that Til is not his man, and sets about freeing him to the dismay of the "company directors". A big chase ensues and eventually we discover the truth behind the company, which actually has some interesting theories about human suffering and the meaning of justice to the individual.

It just needed a bit more depth. I felt like it all hinged on this one idea, but it was an idea that had so much room to grow and develop. It doesn't, however. It boils down, then, to a good idea almost pulled off.

2.5/5

STEVE says:
What starts off looking like just another exercise in torture-porn eventually develops some interesting concepts about crime, punishment, retribution and absolution, then goes nowhere with them as it inevitably devolves into another game of run, run, run, chase, chase, chase.

It wasn't a bad movie, overall, and the first half was fairly intense - even though we were way ahead of it from the word 'go' - but I have to admit, I'm getting sick of lowering the bar for myself when it comes to this type of thriller. "We saw where it was going, but it was good nonetheless." Bullshit. If I can see where you're going within five minutes, if I'm even one step ahead of the plot, someone's not doing their job.

Are there worse ways to spend an evening? Sure. Hell, we could have been watching Norbit. But there were better ways to spend an evening, as well.

2.5

Vantage Point, dir. Pete Travis (2008)

NIKKI says:
It's ambitious, I'll give it that. But this movie may have had too many oars in the water, because by the third use of the rewind-and-start-over technique, I was too busy searching for my perpetrators than engaging in these stories of vacationing kids and dads and doubled-up presidents, bitchy news producers and skitty operatives.

And, yes, I guessed our turncoat in maybe the second flashback. But you might, too, because it's so obvious. Don't filmmakers realise that you can't build suspense in a Clue-type story when a handful of your suspects are famous TV personalities and bit-part actors? As if it's not going to be one of them! Here we get to choose from a large list of potentials:

Matthew Fox
James Le Gros
Forest Whitaker
Bruce McGill
Richard T. Jones
Leonardo Nam
William Hurt
Sigourney Weaver

We can cut out Nam and Jones as, though prolific, they're just not famous enough. We can cut out Weaver, Whitaker, and Hurt -- they're too famous; they have other reasons to be here. So that leaves McGill, Le Gros, and Fox. Now, we're talking -- given the time, current cultural touchstones and the like, he sticks out like the proverbial sore thumb does he?

Anyway, it doesn't hurt the story too much to discover who's behind what. The problem here is that the movie is supposed to be one event as seen from the points of view of various people involved. Only it's never the full points of view. On Quaid's POV, he sees TWO key things occurring and reacts to both. But we don't get to see those things. So, how is it rightly his point of view?

The second issue is the film's final half. After taking us through several POVs, the movie suddenly drops that gimmick when it's time to bring everything together. Ultimately, I wondered at the necessity of the gimmick in the first place. With some time-jigging, it could have been told linearly. But then, it would have just seemed like an overwrought episode of 24.

No, it didn't work for me. It was very same-old in the political terror-movie stakes. It was all about the gimmick and very light on smarts. As a popcorn action thriller, it's not an horrific way to spend an evening, but it won't leave you reeling in a Rendition sort of way.

2.5/5

My Spy (aka. My Mom's New Boyfriend), dir. George Gallo (2007)

NIKKI says:
Somebody needs to talk to Meg Ryan. Don't be fooled by the shot of her over there on the poster, which looks like it could be from City of Angels or, as Steve guessed, Proof of Life. In this movie, Meg's face looks like a ghostly mess of plastic pulls and tugs. When she smiles, she creates creases on her face that weren't there before. Creases like when you're putting contact on a book and you get that stretchy bubble. You just wanna press it down, but that looks ugly, so you have to cut it, make a long hole, and delicately stick the edges down.

Meg Ryan looks like the she needs her face cut open and her edges stuck down.

It is distracting, her weird mouth and crazy demon-eyes. Every second character in this movie, too, described her as so beautiful. She had men lusting after her, and yet she looks like a bag of bones with a fish head. I'm sorry Meg Ryan -- but what have you done?!?! All I could think about was that it made sense for Antonio Banderas to find her beautiful since he's married to the second most ridiculous new face in Hollywood. Meg Ryan looks like Goldie Hawn in First Wives Club. It's embarrassing.

Anyway, the movie... I could not feel more "meh" about this one. It was pretty standard -- mom is a flighty babe who loves younger men, her son in the FBI wants her to act her age, his fiancee reckons they should set her up, along comes Antonio who is just divine, until the son discovers hes an art thief. Then the son goes about bugging the mom's home and listening to her have sex. Almost...

I don't know, perhaps the comedy was just too broad in this one for me? I didn't care for Meg bouncing around trying to be 21, and I got tired of the exasperated son, and his character-less fiancee. Antonio held my interest, but his great love for Meg was underdeveloped -- or maybe just unrealistic when taking her bubbles into account. The story played out as expected, and Steve picked the twist ending before we were even halfway through.

Nothing to rave about. This makes me want to watch that Michelle Pfeiffer movie, I Could Never Be Your Woman -- now there's a woman growing old with style.

2.5/5

STEVE says:
I had this whole thing I was going to do about how Meg Ryan looks like a blow-up sex doll, but I don't think I can beat "bag of bones with a fish head", so I'll let it go.

My Spy was inoffensive, but not very good in the end. The intrigue aspect wasn't all that intriguing because you just knew Bandaras wasn't going to be a real art thief. There's no way the filmmakers were going to let Meg go off in the end with the bad guy, and there's equally no way she was going to have her heart broken by said bad guy. What are the options? Clearly, he's not a bad guy. Indeed, he ended up being an undercover CIA agent - which was pretty much telegraphed from the pre-title sequenced when Bandaras gets busted for trying to steal a statue from a museum in France, gets busted, but is absolutely certain he's going to be free after one phone call. Seriously, not even five minutes into the movie.

Then, there was the mildly creepy plot device of having Colin Hanks listening in on his mom as she and the "art thief" are hooking up. Ew. He'd never be put in charge of this case because his emotional attachment would compromise the integrity of the investigation. But as ever, uncomfortable comic situations win out over logic. What are you gonna do?

Did I say this was inoffensive? I take it back: My Spy was offensive, but in a way that's forgivable because it's not being lauded as one of the greatest movies ever (*cough* Juno).

2/5

Conspiracy, dir. Adam Marcus (2008)

NIKKI says:
It's been so long since we've watched a Val Kilmer movie. When I saw this cover, it was the last thing I expected to see him in -- the big gun, the fire in the background. That cover looks more like a Van Damme pic, or, at the very least, Vin Diesel.

But covers can be deceiving. This is not a shoot 'em up, but the story of a decorated veteran searching for his friend. It has its share of violence and blood, but it's really about a man solving a mystery, forging on through the barriers in New Lago that want him out of town and far away from the secrets of the small imitation-Western town.

Val, really, made the film enjoyable. Were Vin Diesel or Van Damme in the lead, it may not have been so successful, because apart from the humanness of the main character, little about the film was truly memorable. The bad guys were just too over the top, and the fact that the town was decked out to look like the OK Corral added a heavy-handedness to the whole thing about good and evil and right and wrong and black coats and white coats. That aspect of it bordered on the absurd, and I don't think that's what the movie was going for.

"This cowboy hat is all the protection a man should ever need," says Gary Cole as he walks onto a construction site. Right.

Cole and his cronies were way over the top, too. Just beating Val senseless whenever they could. I don't know of anywhere in the world where the authorities have that sort of power, or bloodlust, even. It could have been authentic, but here we had battles in public, Cole never once trying to hide his disdain for Kilmer, and then they shoot him (or do they?) and you think: Who in this town is NOT going know who did that?

So, the movie had its issues. But it was interesting enough, and Val was good to watch as the stealthy vet with one leg who gets his own back at every turn. The ultimate message? War is bad? America is run by evil megalomaniacs who will go to outrageous lengths to ensure their wells of cash keep flowing? Tell us something we don't know.

2.5/5

STEVE says:
Nikki is spot-on when she compares this to a Van Damme flick. It had the same kind of over-the-top violence and leftist agenda that his films tend to have. Throw Val Kilmer into the mix, and I can't help thinking that maybe this movie knew it was going down that road and might have been something of a satire. But probably not, huh?

Y'know what else it reminded me of? An episode of The Incredible Hulk. Not any specific episode, just Hulk in general. That show (most shows that follow the Les Miserables template, actually) followed the same basic premise for most of it's five-year run: David Banner stumbles into a new town in search of a cure, befriends a waitress, ends up on the wrong side of the law, generally overseen by a corrupt sheriff who happens to be the waitress' abusive father, brother or husband, and Hulks out halfway through, only to get bested by the sheriff and his men, run away, recover, and come back to Hulk out again in the end, saving the waitress and kicking the sheriff's ass.

Conspiracy followed that formula to a T. It was uncanny, really. Kilmer stumbles into New Lago in search of his friend, befriends a shop owner, ends up on the wrong side of the law, overseen by a corrupt businessman who happens to be the shop owner's abusive boyfriend, and Hulks out halfway through, only to get bested by the businessman and his men, run away, recover, and come back to Hulk out again in the end, saving the shop owner and kicking the businessman's ass.

This is so cool - these things write themselves! Check it out:

Van Damme stumbles into town in search of some loot, befriends Rosanna Arquette, ends up on the wrong side of the law, overseen by a corrupt sheriff who happens to be Rosanna Arquette's sometime lover, and Hulks out halfway through, only to get bested by the sheriff and his men, run away, recover, and come back to Hulk out again in the end, saving Rosanna Arquette and kicking the sheriff's ass.

It's like Mad-Libs! Try it at home, it's fun!

2.5/5